st_arkintern | (no subject)

"No," Peter says, tentatively. He's starting to feel like maybe it was a bad idea to show it to Bucky.

Peter presses his lips together; Bucky looks uneasy, and that makes him feel uneasy, too. "Bucky, are you okay? I'm not mad at Cap for dropping the jetway on me."

"No, Steve needs to see this too. He needs to know. He..." Bucky looked up at Peter. "It makes sense now. Why... Why Tony was so angry with me." He frowned, handing the mask back to Peter. "God, he had every reason to hate me."

He shook his head, giving Peter a look. "That's good. Steve will like you. Queens, huh." That little smile on Steve's face when he'd said Brooklyn to Peter gave him hope. "He did what he had to. You did what you had to. We... We all did what we had to, but... I wasn't worth it. God, Steve, what the hell was wrong with you?"

Peter's not really sure what Bucky's talking about. Peter thumbs the eyes of his mask, running his finger over their smooth, glossy surface. He looks down at them, and he can almost make out the reflection of him staring back up in them.

"Hey, Bucky," he says, looking over at the other brunette. "What was going on with you and Cap and Tony?"

Not was there something going on. He knows now, beyond a doubt, that something was definitely going on. Bucky's reaction all but said as much. And right now, Peter can't help but feel like he got wrapped up in something way bigger than he's wrong, but he thinks he's right, and that makes him dangerous.

"I... I'm not entirely sure myself. I... You, Tony, you're from my future. That..." He motioned to Peter's mask. "That has not happened yet to me. I don't remember it because I wasn't there. If that makes sense?" He wasn't sure that he was talking about timelines in a way that Peter would understand, but he hoped that he was. "So, I... I have to go by things you say, that video, and Tony and Steve's words."

He hesitated for a moment, looking up at Peter, feeling really lost.

"I... I think that there was, well, something. Something happened, something that I was framed for. In my time, a building blew up, they were saying I did it, but I didn't. I was getting ready to run and I ran here." He frowned. "Steve Rogers is a great man, but he... He's loyal. We've been friends since we were kids. That video looks like, to me, he chose me over some of the other ... I think they're called Avengers?"

His good hand lifted to run through his hair. "I don't have all the pieces. It's complicated, because I don't know why they were fighting, but... I really hope I didn't split them up or Steve chose me over Tony or something bigger. God, I... I'm not worth that."

Peter almost opens his mouth to ask why anyone had to choose anyone over anyone else, but then, just as the breath he sucked in is about to come out as words, he realizes that he'd always choose Tony, too.

Peter closes his mouth.

Then opens it.

"It didn't happen yet, right? And I mean... if it's gonna happen no matter what, there's nothing you can do about it, so there's no use worrying, right?"

Edited 2018-10-16 22:03 (UTC)

"Right." He looked up at Peter, nodding his head and smiling at him. "It didn't happen yet. At least, for me. I'm here and I don't... The last thing I remember was going on the run and running here. I... I almost don't want to go back home if that's what I'm going home to."

He bit his lip, looking down at his metal hand. He'd been through so much already. He'd lived a life that he never would have expected or planned. A part of him wished he could go back, but then that might mean no Steve.

"You're a good kid, Peter." He smiled softly. "Thank you."

Peter can't help but feel embarrassed at the compliment.

"You're welcome," he says in a low, but pleased voice. "But... I really think that there's a lot worth going back home to. Like... I get a new Spider-Man costume, and I get to go into space and fight a bad guy. And I'm sure that when I get back, I'm gonna start filling out college applications and applying for scholarships and stuff."

Yes, that's included on the things Peter's excited about.

"Yeah, okay, but it's different for you, Peter."

He didn't mean it to be rude or sound that way. In a way, he just felt like Peter had a much better life and something to return home to. Bucky didn't. Steve was here and everything else of his was gone. What did he really have to return to?

"Be excited about college and things like that. Don't... Don't be excited about the fighting. There's always a fight. Live your life, Peter. You have your whole life ahead of you." He sighed. "Don't wind up like Steve or I, okay?"

Why does everyone want to lecture him about this? Bucky isn't the first person, and he probably won't be the last.

"I'm not excited about the fighting," Peter clarifies. Okay, maybe he's excited about being Spider-Man sometimes, but that's not what Bucky said -- Bucky said fighting people. "I'm excited about helping people. I'm excited about being able to protect people. If I can do that without fighting people, then great, but there's always going to be times where I'm not going to do that without fighting."

Bucky wasn't trying to make it sound like a lecture, just wanting Peter to know there's more to life. He knew that there was a difference between the fighting and being the hero persona. He'd seen it first hand in Steve.

"It's a worthy goal. It's a good life," he murmured. "You want to help and helping is good." Bucky gave the kid a smile. "Just... There's other things too. College. Life plan." There were things with his life he'd wanted to do that he would never get to now, thanks to HYDRA. He tried not to dwell on it, but sometimes it made him sad. "Eventually, you need a backup. You want to be swinging around when you're old and grey?"

"I mean, if I can still do it, yeah," Peter says, though he's not sure that's the answer Bucky's really looking for. Sometimes people made it perfectly obvious what answer they wanted (teachers did this well enough), but Peter, strong-willed as always, felt the need to give the answer he felt was the right one.

"But I'm still going to do other stuff, too. Like going to college and getting a job," he says. "It's not always going to be Spider-Man."

If that was what Peter wanted to do, Bucky wouldn't tell him no. Peter wasn't his son or kin in any way, so Bucky really couldn't tell him how to live his life. He could try to share with him the experience he and Steve had had, but that was as far as it could go.

In a way, Bucky just hoped that Peter learned that there was more to life than the fighting. Saving people was important, it was good, but so was living. Kids. Family. A house. A dog. The things that he'd wanted before the war, things he'd never get to have. He can see that Peter has a strong will, so he doesn't say it, doesn't argue with the kid. He knows it won't do any good.

"Good. Live." He smiled at Peter. "Take Liz out and treat her good, right," he gently teased.

"I always treat Liz right." A beat. "Well, I try to, anyway. I don't think anyone can treat someone right 100% of the time."

He pauses there.

"You know, Liz and I have been together for almost a year now," he says. "I can't really imagine what life would be like without her."

That, that emotion, it's a feeling that Bucky can understand. He feels the same way about Steve. There's no way he can picture his life without Steve in it and he hates that HYDRA tried to do that to him at all. He smiles at Peter, remembering how he used to see Steve when they were younger so many years ago.

"You should do something nice for the anniversary," he says softly. "It's good to have that person beside you, one you trust." He nodded his head in understanding. "No, you can't treat someone right all the time, but you try your hardest and they'll see it. That's what matters."

"It's just hard coming up with something special," Peter admits. "I've been here for over a year, and I think Liz almost has, too. You just end up using all the novel things really quickly trying to do something new."

All true.

"It'll be easy if one of the portals opens up then," he says. "Well, maybe. As long as it's not a bad Other World."

Other World. Of all the things Bucky has learned since being at the Inn, that is not a phrase he's heard yet. He tries to keep his face calm, with little emotion in his yes, but he can't stop himself.

"Other World?"

It's not a doorway back home. It can't be. That would be too easy. Everyone would have gone home by now. And yet, it's something. It's something different. It has to be, from the look on Peter's face. So... Why had he not heard it before?

"It's basically these portals that take you to another place. They don't open very often," he says. "I think it's happened three times since I've gotten here, and I've been here for just over a year. Last year, there was this Halloween Town, then after that, this space station and about three months ago it was Earth except --"

Except?

"-- except not my Earth. I tried calling May and Mr. Stark and I checked the internet, but there was nothing about the Avengers there."